Dave Kessler Author, Columnist, Freelance Writer
510 Greenbrier Drive, Richmond, IN 47374 davekess@aol.com
765-965-1492 - Fax 765-939-2427

Dave Kessler has authored five traditional books, 2 e-books and has been writing the weekly column Skinny Cooks Can't Be Trusted for Farm World, and other newspapers, since 1981.

His statement "Never party with people wearing rented clothes" was used as a cover squib for the article "What I've learned" in Esquire Magazine.

His article "Herding Hummingbirds" was published in the Saturday Evening Post "Post Scripts" humor page. (Reprinted below).

His article "Cricket Spitting Competition Coming Up" will appear in Boy's Life magazine in the Spring of 2010.

Many more of Dave's articles (2,600+) have appeared in Consumer and Trade Publications across North America and "parts unknown."

Dave is a Realtor and Auctioneer with 52 years experience and was recently named to the Indiana Auctioneers Association Hall of Fame. He is 71, a wheelchair guy and has inquisitive interests in many things

His books:
Across The Antiques Auction Block

Professional Auctioneer's Forms Book

The Best of Dave Kessler On Auctions

Dave Kessler Selling Real Estate At Auction

Skinny Cooks Can't Be Trusted

Dave's E-Books Currently For Sale By Amazon.com

Skinny Cooks Can't Be Trusted - A shorter version

and

The Crapper Digest # 1

Dave's E-Book For Sale on This Site

How To Earn $1,000 A Month On The Side
By Creating A Local Newsletter

Genius "How To" Online & Mail Order
Marketing Secrets Revealed. "How To Sell Almost Anything To Almost Anybody In 20 Words or Less." will soon be available.

Writing Services available:

Advertising Copywriting: Dave has written advertising copy for hundreds of products and services selling everything from airplanes to caskets. He takes on a limited number of clients each year to help plan marketing strategy and write the advertising copy that will move their goods and services.

Professional Blogger: Dave has produced and maintained a number of blogs and has contributed articles to all sorts of blogs.

Newsletters: Dave has published numerous newsletters in the consumer and trade fields and will consult, and maybe contribute, to your own newsletter. He also has built one of them up to being an internationally distributed trade newspaper.

Private Label Rights Packages: Having written Skinny Cooks Can't Be Trusted weekly since 1981 Dave has a catalog of thousands of food and recipe columns. He can produce seasonal, holiday and other special event packages for you. He will also produce packages which can be used in newsletters, newspapers and magazines for regular weekly or monthly use. You can see samples of the Skinny Cooks column by going to www.kesslerauctions.com and clicking on the Skinny Cooks Can't Be Trusted Page.

Humorous Poetry, Flash Fiction and Fillers: This is Dave's hobby area of interest and he's nationally recognized for his stuff. He's been a top finalist in national events such as The University of Maine's The Binnacle Flash Fiction event and in the AsininePoetry.com Crime Poetry contest.

Flash Fiction Finalist - The University of Maine's The Binnacle

One Never Knows
by Dave Kessler

There was too much ice on the parking lot at the shopping center so I couldn't use my wheelchair. I'd have to wait another day to return the ugliest necktie ever given as a gift.

Driving down my street I saw the drug squad and swat team raiding the house of an eighty-nine year old lady across the street. As they bashed in the front door I went over there to try to help her out and establish her innocence.

The swat team dog alerted on me and I had to hit the ground while they pulled the dog off.

So today I've been iced out, ugly tied, faced a swat team, tried to help an old lady across the street and been bitten by a dog. Fats Waller was right. "One never knows, do one?"

Poetry Finalist - AsininePoetry.com Crime Poetry Contest

The French Soccer Case

By Dave Kessler

The terrorist police came in lights flashing
It was a crime of huge proportion you see
The fans in the stands were barfing all over the place
The chief said "It's looks like poison gas to me"

No terrorists with poison gas were found
And the sick fans were helped out by the police in blue
The top detective discovered it was bad hot dog mustard
It was simply a case of Dijon vu

Here's what the folks at Asinine Poetry said about Dave:

"Realtor, freelance writer, and country auctioneer, Mr. Kessler became interested in poetry as a kid since he grew up just a few miles from James Whitcomb Riley's home. His latest chapbook is Crapper Digest, which is available for purchase at 49 cents. The book has been called a ''great treasure trove of humor, doggerel, and vulgar verse'' by Mr. Kessler. His poetry once caused an Old Order German Baptist to cancel his free subscription to a newsletter."

Herding Hummingbirds
By Dave Kessler
Appeared in The Saturday Evening Post
www.Saturdayeveningpost.com

A border collie is of little help when it comes to herding hummingbirds out of crystal chandeliers in a retirement home dining room. Neither is a badminton racket if the residents are present. This technique was met with hissing and booing when a member of the staff entered the room swinging wildly at the birds. Fortunately, none were smacked out of the air before this technique was abandoned.

The hummingbirds entered the dining room through French doors that were left open while the feeder was being refilled. The residents were not frightened by the birds, but were concerned with getting them back outside so the birds could go about doing what they do.

Arm-swinging and -waving are of little avail if you're faced with this challenge. No one teaches hummingbird herding, and when there's an emergency like this, you won't have time to look it up on Google. There's nothing on it there, anyway.

The residents who were outraged at the badminton-racket attack soon saw the humor in the situation. Suggestions included getting a cowboy on a cutting horse to usher the birds out the doors. One lady didn't picture the animal knocking over tables and breaking china. She was worried about the carpet.

A brigade of home employees formed a line while brandishing brooms in the air and advancing on the birds. They promised the residents that they wouldn't swing the brooms at the birds, just herd them out the door.

The birds may have spent some time humming around West Point for they quickly employed a fake pincer movement combined with a precision double-flanking operation to divide and conquer the brigade. The brigade charged to the rear in their moment of disgrace, but out of their humiliation, a stellar idea emerged. The same number of troops could present a more formidable front if they held bedsheets aloft while advancing as a great white wall.

The surprised birds, faced with this overwhelming threat, quickly decided it wasn't worth the effort. They hummed their way out the doors, headed for the red sugar water feeder, and continued their lives as if nothing had happened.

They lived happily doing what hummingbirds do until it was time to head for sunny southern climes. The residents hope that the hummingbirds will have time down south to practice new maneuvers before returning and resuming their attack in the spring. They're looking forward with eager anticipation for the surprises the hummingbirds will have up their sleeves. Hummmm?